


bottom of the deep blue

by misskatieleigh



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Anal Sex, Depression, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 14:31:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11254896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misskatieleigh/pseuds/misskatieleigh
Summary: There’s a note in his file, carefully redacted by General Draven’s steady hand.Captain Andor repeatedly requests the most dangerous missions. Suicidal tendencies. Watch carefully.They don't watch him carefully enough.





	bottom of the deep blue

**Author's Note:**

> written for bodhicassian week, day's 1, 2 and 3 because I'm a cheater like that. 
> 
> Not beta'd, please let me know if you see any glaring mistakes. Heed the tags please.

There’s a note in his file, carefully redacted by General Draven’s steady hand. _Captain Andor repeatedly requests the most dangerous missions. Suicidal tendencies. Watch carefully._ The Alliance psychiatrist assigned to him was young, full of wide eyed optimism about the cause. The kind of optimism afforded to those who grew up benefiting from the Empire’s spread across the galaxy – the right parents, the right city, progress and invention and access to education. Cassian hates him, hates everything he stands for. Hates that this man can decide his fate with a simple tap of fingers against a datapad.

It’s almost too easy to manipulate him. A lingering glance, a half smile. He learned very early on that his body was just another tool for the cause. Fucking a pretty psychiatrist to get cleared for the next mission is relatively low on the list of immoral things Cassian Andor has done. It almost feels like a waste of his time.

* * *

 

See, they weren’t supposed to survive. The other soldiers had known, their eyes resigned to their fate. A chance to wipe the slate clean. Jyn didn’t know, not until K2 had sealed the vault door behind them. She’d spent too many years fasting on indifference, the sudden jolt of purpose and hope flooding her malnourished mind. Cassian didn’t have the heart to break that. Correction, he could have broken that, broken Jyn’s spirit and fire, but it wasn’t what was required, so he kept his tongue in check.

Bodhi had known. Their eyes had met, looking past Jyn’s impromptu rally cry, kindred spirits brought about by unequal circumstance. But they had both known, both accepted the reality. They weren’t the heroes, just the backs that the heroes climbed on to reach further toward the stars.

* * *

Waking up in the medbay feels like an insult. Cassian squeezes his eyes shut, trying to drop back into whatever medicated haze he’d swum out of, but reality doesn’t change. He’s alive. He looks across the room, at the empty beds around him, and he feels like a failure. For the first time in what feels like years, Cassian feels wetness gather around his eyes, tears spilling over to track down his cheek and disappear into the hair at his temple. The sob catches him off guard, his own body rebelling against him as it hiccups out a broken sound.

A hand brushes against his wrist and he jerks away, startled. Instinct tells him to find a blaster, protect the mission, but there is no blaster and no mission. Cassian turns and finds Bodhi, standing beside his bed. His hand is still outstretched, dropping down to wrap cool fingers around Cassian’s wrist once more.

“You’re alright.” His voice is hushed, touched with the gravelly sound of smoke inhalation and prolonged silence. His hair hangs loose around his shoulders, dropped out of the jumbled braid that he’d been wearing for the entirety of their time together. It suits him, the long sweep of it softening hollowed cheeks and the dark circles below his eyes. Bodhi looks like someone that deserves to be cared for. Cassian wants to pull his wrist away, to escape those imploring eyes. Instead, he nods and swallows back the urge to slit his wrists. Another mission will come along, and he’ll need to pass muster to get the assignment.

* * *

The explosion of the Death Star sends a reverberation across the base. Cups rattle, unsecured trinkets falling from the shelves to shatter across the duracrete floor. Bodhi pauses mid-thrust, careful of Cassian’s still immobilized leg. Cassian whines, reaching back to urge him forward again.

_It was an unexpected turn of events, the frantic look in Bodhi’s eyes at the announcement of the Death Star’s imminent arrival. Cassian had grabbed Bodhi’s flailing hands, pulling him forward into a kiss that was more teeth and tongue than anything else._

_“If we’re going to die, how about we go out with a bang?”_

_He’d expected the comment to be brushed aside, but Bodhi had just returned the kiss with fervor, pushing him back onto the bed._

_“Stars, yes. Can I – I want to fuck you.”_

_Cassian could only nod, pressing lubricant and condoms into Bodhi’s hands._

There’s a pause of silence when the shaking stops, followed by a cheer that echoes through the halls. Bodhi’s hands on his hips squeeze bruisingly hard, the following thrust driving a sharp grunt out of Cassian. He braces himself as best as he can, driving back into the sudden brutal pace.

“We’re alive. We’re alive. Fuck, Cass, we’re alive.”

He wants to cry out, scream at the unfairness of it all. He pictures pressing a blaster to his temple and ending this all on his own. Instead, he bites down on his fist, coming hard and hot against the sheets. Bodhi cries out, following him over the edge. He wishes he were a better man, one who would push Bodhi away before he got too attached.

Cassian’s forgotten how a good man should act.

* * *

Jyn screams in his face, iron-tight grip around his wrist dragging him toward the shuttle. Overhead they can hear the whine of x-wings cutting through the air, the staccato rhythm of blaster fire.

“Get your ass on the ship, Andor! There’s nothing you can do here!”

Hoth is blissfully frigid, nothing and everything like Fest all at once. He could die here, and pretend he was home. He wants to scream that at Jyn. He could die here.

Bodhi climbs down the ladder from the cockpit, slamming the button to close the ramp with his fist. His eyes are wild, goggles dangling around his neck. When their eyes meet, Cassian knows that he’s been caught.

“Sit your ass down and don’t move until we’re in hyperspace. There’s no time for martyrs today.”

Jyn’s bleeding from a cut on her cheek. Belatedly, Cassian realizes that his knuckles are aching, an accusing red line drying on his skin.

“Fuck, Jyn, I’m sorry.” He barely remembers lashing out, but her eyes just look sad when she looks at him.

“You’re hurting him more than me, so save your apologies.”

Cassian leans his head against the cold steel of the ship’s hull. He could never apologize enough for all the hurt he’s caused.

* * *

Cassian opens his eyes to the sterile white of the medbay ceiling. Beside him, a machine beeps out a steady rhythm, accompanied by the steady drip of medication being fed into the I.V. line attached to his hand. He closes his eyes and opens them to find Bodhi standing over his bed. He looks exhausted, but he doesn’t reach out for Cassian, doesn’t clasp cool, dry fingers around his wrist.

“So. You’re alive.”

Cassian chuckles wryly. “Yeah, can’t figure out how that keeps happening.”

Bodhi deflates at the words, dropping into a chair set beside the bed. He looks down at his hands, as if the answers are hiding there.

“I can’t do this anymore. I thought – I thought I could, I don’t know, _save_ you. Do something.” He swallows, drawing his gaze up to meet Cassian’s. “I’m not enough. And I’m killing myself trying to be.”

Every inch of Cassian wants to reach out, wants to cradle Bodhi in his arms and tell him that things will be different. He doesn’t move. It’s better this way, for both of them.

He closes his eyes, so he doesn’t have to watch Bodhi walk away.

* * *

 

The new psychiatrist is a woman. She has a scar running across her forehead, like a stray blaster shot just missed taking off her head. She sprays him with water when he lets his gaze linger.

“Don’t pull that bullshit with me. I’ve read your file, Andor.”

Something about her expression tells him it’s not the redacted one.

Cassian sighs, drags his hands through his hair and stares at the floor.

“So, apparently I have a death wish.”

He can hear the smile in her voice when she responds, settling more comfortably in her chair. “Well, that seems like a good place to start.”

* * *

Cassian has to wait to take a shuttle down to the planet’s surface. Endor is beautiful and green, muted by the setting sun. He missed the celebration for the first Death Star, so seeing the joy on everyone’s faces makes his chest ache a little. It’s a good sort of ache, though, one that reminds him that there can be happiness even though they lost people today. He clenches the bottle of pills in his pocket, rattling it against his leg as a reminder. His brain doesn’t work quite right, but he’s starting to be okay with that. And there’s a bright spark of hope that sits just off the edge of his vision, leading him toward the next day.

Out of the corner of his eye, Cassian catches the flash of an orange jumpsuit. He tracks after it, searching for the reason that he came down to the celebration. He sees him finally, standing beside one of the many fires with his arm looped around another pilot’s waist. He’s laughing, head thrown back at something that one of the Ewok’s is saying to him, hands gesturing wildly. Bodhi has always been beautiful, but joy and firelight are making him incandescent.

Cassian hesitates, his eyes lingering on how close the two pilots are standing. He’s about to turn and head back to the shuttle when Bodhi looks over at him, dark eyes stopping him in his tracks. Bodhi turns to his companions and makes some excuse, picking his way slowly through the crowd to where Cassian is standing.

“Cassian. I – I didn’t expect to see you down here.”

Cassian shrugs. “Wanted to see the celebration, I guess.”

Bodhi smiles, hesitantly. “How are you?”

Cassian stands up straight, letting his guard down as he looks into Bodhi’s eyes.

“I’m alive.”

Bodhi draws in a deep breath. “Thank the Force for that.”

 


End file.
